Slow, lazy September

re-wrote this blog without using AI. If you find grammar or spelling mistake then please ignore. It is human written.

Over the last few years I have become quite strict with myself about one thing: I do not want to live in that always-on, always-busy, always-saying-yes version of life anymore. I have seen what it does to my body and my head, and I am not interested in going back there just because the world rewards people who look exhausted (PS: performanative busy) all the time.

So I started saying NO to a lot of things and commitments. I reset my priorities, built a routine that calm me and don't push me to stay busy - Morning walks, reading before bed or with morning tea, a little art when I had the energy, evenings that did not feel like I am still stuck at my work laptop, play board games or just watch repeat of my fav series/movies.

September broke my rhythm

September broke that rhythm in a way I did not see coming, and honestly it unsettled me more than I expected.

This September was slow and I was very lazy (no excuses). I was not consistent with books even when my books was right in front of me. My sleep routine fell apart completely. Some nights I was awake until midnight for no good reason. Other mornings I was up at four or five.

Listening to the guilt

I spent a fair amount of time being annoyed with myself.

1. Why am I not writing the blogs I said I would write?

2. Why is the digital bookshelf not updated?

3. Why are the side projects sitting unfinished?

4. and many more

Maybe it was not laziness

I don't know it was laziness or someother reason. There were days I pushed myself to read, or to go back to my old routine but within few hours my body and mind used to give up.

So, what I was doing when not doing my "things". Just sitting in front of TV or just doom scrolling. I did manage some artwork, which surprised me. So, I did atleast 5-7 artworks and I loved it.

Showing up for work

Work was a different story. I showed up almost every day. I did what needed doing. From the outside nothing looked broken. That is part of why the guilt felt so strange.

If I can be present for my job, why does slowing down everywhere else feel like I am failing some invisible exam?

Old wiring about rest

I think a lot of that comes from old wiring. Growing up, slowing down often felt dangerous, like someone would notice and decide you were not trying hard enough. Rest had to be justified. Even now, when nobody is standing over me with a checklist, my body sometimes acts like rest is something I have to defend or earned.

I am an adult, yet here I am justifying myself for not writing blogs, not reading books, and so on.

A small public vent

So this blog is partly that. A small, public vent. September did not look like the version of me who posts regularly, reads books, and ticks every personal project box. It looked like someone who was tired in layers she is still learning to name.

I have no reason, no justification. I went through the flow and I think, I need to work on my "guilt-side" for slowing day, and taking a pause.

Note for myself

If your September, or your October, or whatever month you are in right now feels like this, I hope you hear this clearly: you are allowed to have a slow season. You are allowed to put the book down. You are allowed to show up at work and still need rest everywhere else.

I am writing this one post so future-me remembers that lazy is not always the enemy. Sometimes it is the body telling the truth before the mind catches up.

Happy learning!!