Choosing yourself

Choosing yourself is always seen as an act of being "selfish and mean". As a brown person growing up, we have been taught to sacrifice our comfort and happiness in the name of being "a good kid". If we even tried to explain, save a favourite toy, or refuse to adjust, we were labelled a "mean kid" or "insensitive kid".

Brown trauma?

I call it brown trauma: that quiet training to put everyone else first. Most of the millennials I meet are still in it. We have been given the upbringing to adjust, listen, grind. We cannot say no to elders, nor can we reply back even if someone insults us. More the sacrifice, more the success, more the praise. But the moment you choose to relax, you choose to take a holiday, spent money on a coffee, lunch date, or just buy something for yourself will make you center of disucssion.

So I never chose myself, or my happiness, because I had a constant "what will people say?" If I take myself on a coffee date, or solo travel, can that money be used for someone else, and so on.

There is a whole generation who is fighting every day, self vs self.

Choosing yourself

Choosing myself is not hard but taking that first step is the hardest. I need to understand that making myself happy doesn't mean making others unhappy. Choosing myself means I know what I deserve, I learn to make boundaries, picking my mental health, picking my own goals, small happiness.

It means letting go of old and close people in whom I once believed, whom I once trusted. As I grow, as I develop the vision of identifying the toxic, I realise how many people hide their toxicity behind the face of "nice, polite".

Choosing yourself is not making others unhappy. It is knowing what you deserve.

Break the curse

It is me and only me who will break the curse. Not to pass it to people around me, not to pass it to my kids. It is not my "responsibility" but something I will learn and consciously won't do.

It would be too lonely, as I will see a lot of people around me have been cut off, but it would be nice. Even if 1-2 people are left, then I know they are my world.